Ever feel like you and God keep having a conversation that doesn't end? Like when you try to come up with as many really good reasons as you can to not do something you know in your heart He wants you to do?
Lately this is the internal conversation I've been having with the Lord:
1.If you wanted us to be foster parents, you would have done it by now. If a worker is too busy to certify us for 7 months, that means you are closing a door.
God: My timing is perfect. Just wait.
2. We hurt every time a host child is taken from us. The grief is overwhelming for our entire family and it takes us a month or more to recover every time they have to say goodbye. We aren't tough and resilient enough to do this job.
God: That is why I want YOU. You love them like I love them, and that's why it hurts. I will heal you.
3. I am exhausted with my own four children. They drain me almost every day with homeschool, activities, and discipline issues.
God: I will give you the strength. My power is made perfect in your weakness.
4. What if we get a child we can't handle? What if they have issues we don't know how to deal with?
God: I am sovereign, and nothing takes me by surprise. Trust me. I have a plan.
5. Why can't we just drop everything and write a big check to get a baby through an agency? We are guaranteed to have a newborn, forever daughter in three months or less- wouldn't that just be easier?
God: This is my plan for you. If you take another way, it is not of me right now. Wait.
6. We are the pioneers in fostering among our friends. Why do we always have to be the first ones in ventures like this? Many of them think we're crazy!
God: Take the lead, and others will follow.
7. Do I really want to be under the scrutiny of the social welfare system? We like to live our own private lives, not live in a home with constant visits of workers who will criticize us for breaking their rules and regulations.
God: Live your life before all men, and they will see Me in you. I am creating opportunities for you to shine your light in your home.
8. Why do we face opposition from those we love? If we don't have support, we can't do this well.
God: If I am for you, who can be against you? If you are facing opposition because of your obedience to me, then you are blessed.
9. What if we never get placements? All of this will have been for nothing.
God: Trust me.
10. We could have a child who has to be returned to an abuser who we don't see as safe. How could be possibly allow that to happen? It would break our hearts and make us so bitter!
God: Trust me.
11. Fostering will be one of the hardest things we've ever done. Everyone who has been touched by the system is telling us this. We are already stressed, worn out, and scarred from loving and losing. How can we survive doing this over and over again?
God: Trust me.
I don't want to be a Foster Parent. I am already angry and frustrated with the foster system and we haven't even signed our contract yet (but it's probably been sitting on someone's desk for quite a while now). I want to fix a broken system, or at least give a piece of my mind to some people about how they are hurting children by not doing their jobs well, and then wash my hands of it. Yet God continues to remind me that it's not about me and what my flesh wants or doesn't want. It's not about good or bad workers. It's not about a government-run entity that is in desperate need of an overhaul. It's about glorifying Him through our obedience and service. It's about caring for the precious children He's created: the least of these. The neglected, abused, abandoned, tossed-aside children in our midst who need love and nurture, a home that is safe and full of Jesus.
So even though I don't want to be a foster parent, I will continue to stand in this open door. The door that has been open since February which we are still waiting with weary hearts to walk through. One day, maybe soon, but maybe on the other side of heaven, we'll find out why we were called to this, and what God's plan was. But until then....