Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dreaming the Impossible

Wow, where to begin? Many of you may be wondering "What are they thinking?, What is this all about, is this what I THINK it is?!" Before you start wondering if we have a screw loose, are on some challenge to change the world, or are emotional after an experience, let me share with you our story, or rather journey, to get to this point.
Before Kris and I got married, we talked about kids. He preferred 2-3, and my preference was 3-4. After we got pregnant for the third time in 3 1/2 years, we came to a decision that a fourth child was not in our best interests for sanity! With each pregnancy, I had hopes of having a girl. I dreamed of having a daughter to dress up, take with me shopping, play with hair with, and give Barbies to.

When we were told Nathanael's sex, I was deflated. I wanted to make myself be excited about a third boy to play with his brothers, be tough and cute and get dirty with trucks, but instead I cried. Kris cried. He said "I'll never have a daughter to walk down the aisle". We knew our decision to have three children was final though. After putting away our dreams of a little girl, we began to get excited about having our "Baby Nate" His name means "A gift from God" and he really is. I wouldn't trade him for three girls! We are so thankful God gave him to us, and treasure the gift of our "little man". However, I still clung to the hope of a daughter. Kris mentioned before we had children that he was open to adoption if we were unable to have kids. I immediately

dismissed it, saying "I couldn't possibly love and bond with a child that wasn't my own flesh and blood" However, as my hopes faded for having a daughter that was dirty blond and blue eyed and came from my gene pool, a seed was planted in my heart that one day we could still have a daughter to raise and be a part of our family. Every once and a while I mentioned the "dream" to Kris and he dismissed it. We had a circus in our house! How could we possibly add a child to the chaos of three little boys on a busy farm. And travelling internationally every winter? Think of the costs, the stress, the fear of losing one in the airport! But even though it looked impossible, I continued to pray that something would change. There was a void in my heart that would not go away no matter how much I tried to rationalize it.

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