Before Kris and I got married, we talked about kids. He preferred 2-3, and my preference was 3-4. After we got pregnant for the third time in 3 1/2 years, we came to a decision that a fourth child was not in our best interests for sanity! With each pregnancy, I had hopes of having a girl. I dreamed of having a daughter to dress up, take with me shopping, play with hair with, and give Barbies to.
When we were told Nathanael's sex, I was deflated. I wanted to make myself be excited about a third boy to play with his brothers, be tough and cute and get dirty with trucks, but instead I cried. Kris cried. He said "I'll never have a daughter to walk down the aisle". We knew our decision to have three children was final though. After putting away our dreams of a little girl, we began to get excited about having our "Baby Nate" His name means "A gift from God" and he really is. I wouldn't trade him for three girls! We are so thankful God gave him to us, and treasure the gift of our "little man". However, I still clung to the hope of a daughter. Kris mentioned before we had children that he was open to adoption if we were unable to have kids. I immediately
dismissed it, saying "I couldn't possibly love and bond with a child that wasn't my own flesh and blood" However, as my hopes faded for having a daughter that was dirty blond and blue eyed and came from my gene pool, a seed was planted in my heart that one day we could still have a daughter to raise and be a part of our family. Every once and a while I mentioned the "dream" to Kris and he dismissed it. We had a circus in our house! How could we possibly add a child to the chaos of three little boys on a busy farm. And travelling internationally every winter? Think of the costs, the stress, the fear of losing one in the airport! But even though it looked impossible, I continued to pray that something would change. There was a void in my heart that would not go away no matter how much I tried to rationalize it.